How do they make them so yummy?

[Editor’s note: Imagine, if you will, the light, upbeat 1950’s era, educational film music in the background. A stainless steel table is in the foreground with beakers and bottles neatly stacked off to the side. A pleasant-looking man in a white lab coat is standing behind the table, looking down at some papers on the table. He looks up suddenly as though taken slight unawares.]

OH! Sorry, I was just going over some test results. We here at Soylent Green Industries are always looking at ways to better serve our customers … Why, that’s you!

We get lots of questions about the steps we take to continually improve our products. Having just released a new, low-fat product: Soylent Green Light, we decided to speak with you, our consumers, about the quality control that goes into producing our yummy treats.

First of all, one may ask, “How exactly does one control the amount of fat in Soylent Green?”

Well, that’s easy. All Soylent Green is processed the same way. We start with our base ingredient and remove all the fat and other icky things. Then we can process the remaining into our Soylent Green paste. You might see your mom use this while baking. It’s concentrated! Once we have our paste, we can add as much, or as little fat back into the product as needed before cooking.

We’re able to maintain a relatively consistent flavor because of our secret ingredient.

Thanks for coming by to see me. You kids stay off the streets and stay in school!