Monday, July 31, 2006

The U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning

The following script is real and this is really how the whole U.N. Security Council thingy played out. For real. No inspiration taken from here.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Trouble at nuclear enrichment plant.
U.S. envoy: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Ahmadinejad: Durka, durka, bak Allah.
U.S. envoy: Pardon?
Ahmadinejad: Durka, durka, sherpa. Mohammed jihad.
U.S. envoy: I don't understand what you're saying.
Ahmadinejad: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of our plutonium enrichment sites is capable of producing weapons-grade nuclear materials.
U.S. envoy: Why on earth are you increasing the tensions in the world like that?
Ahmadinejad: I don't know - Allah just told me to come in here and say that we were again pursuing a nuclear program again - I didn't expect a kind of U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning.


[The door flies open and Hans Blix of the U.N. Security council enters, flanked by two junior security council members. The Chinese S.C. has goggles pushed over his forehead. The Russian S.C. is just the Russian S.C.]

Blix: EVERYBODY expects the U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning! Our chief weapon is expectation ... expectation and ineffectuality ...ineffectuality and expectation ... Our two weapons are ineffectuality and expectation ... and laughable inefficiency ... Our *three* weapons are ineffectuality, expectation, and laughable inefficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the socialism ... Our *four*... no ... *Amongst* our weapons ... Amongst our weaponry ... are such elements as ineffectuality, expectation ... I'll come in again.

[The U.N. Security Council exits]

Ahmadinejad: I didn't expect a kind of U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning.


[The Security Council members burst in]

Blix: Everybody expects the U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: ineffectuality, expectation, laughable inefficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to socialism, and nice money laundering schemes - Oh damn!
[To Chinese S.C.] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Chinese S.C.: What?
Blix: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Chinese S.C.: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...

[Blix bundles the Security Council members outside again]

Ahmadinejad: I didn't expect a kind of U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning.


[The Security Council members enter]

Chinese S.C.: Er....
Blix: Expects...
Chinese S.C.: Expects... Everybody expects U.N.
Blix: Security Council ...
Chinese S.C.: I know, I know! Everybody expects the U.N. Security Council Letter of Warning. In fact, those who do not expect -
Blix: Our chief weapons are...
Chinese S.C.: Our chief weapons
Blix: Expectation ...
Chinese S.C.: Expectation and --
Blix: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are expectation...blah blah blah. Russia, read the charges.
Russia S.C.: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates – while pissing off the U.S. (which we consider to be a good thing) – did in fact make the rest of the world community drop a load in their collective pants. Furthermore …
Blix: That's enough.

[To Ahmadinejad] Now, how do you plead?

Ahmadinejad: We're innocent.
Blix: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Chinese S.C.: We'll soon change your mind about that!
Blix: Ineffectuality, expectation, and a most laughable -- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, China -- the mountain of aid paperwork!
[Chinese S.C. produces a single sheet of paper, single sided. Blix looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Blix: You....Right! Make him fill it out.
[The Russian and Chinese S.C. members make a pathetic attempt to make him fill it out]
Blix:Right! How do you plead?
Ahmadinejad: Innocent.
Blix: Ha! Right! China, give the sharpen the pencil.
[China S.C. stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders at not having a pencil sharpener and that Ahmadinejad is using a pen]
China S.C.: I....
Blix: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
China S.C.: I...
Blix: It makes it all seem so stupid.
China S.C.: Shall I...?
Blix: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[China S.C. turns an imaginary handle on the imaginary pencil sharpener]

[Cut to them torturing a a businessman who owns a bar that features midget tossing]

Blix: Now, old man -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Businessman: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Blix: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! China S.C.! Fetch...THE LETTER!


[China S.C. holds out a rather ordinary letter, with nice letterhead]
China S.C.: Here it is, lord.
Blix: Now, old man -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the Godly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Businessman: I don't know what you're talking about.
Blix: Right! If that's the way you want it -- China! Poke him with the letter!
[China S.C. carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Blix: Confess! Confess! Confess!
China S.C.: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Blix: Have you got folded it with a sharp point?
China S.C.: Yes, lord.
Blix [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Russia! Fetch... DESK BLOTTER!


[Zoom into the Russian S.C.’s horrified face]

Russia S.C. [terrified]: The...Desk Blotter?

[China S.C. a desk blotter – a large one with a calendar with kittens on it]

Blix: So you think you are strong because you can survive the letter folded to have a sharp point. Well, we shall see. China! Wrap him in the Desk Blotter!
[They roughly wrap him in the desk blotter]
Blix [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Desk Blotter until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to China] Is that really all it is?
China S.C.: Yes, lord.
Blix: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
China S.C.: I confess!
Blix: Not you!

Thanks to Bingley, whose Hans Brix post inspired this idea.

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