Office humor

Best unintended double entendre of the day:

My goodness, that nut was salty.

Sometimes, I love my office.

Another embarrassing photo post

Signs of a secret devil worshipping rocker:

Secret devil hand sign? Check.

Danzig, Slayer, King Diamond, or Iron Maiden T-shirt? Check.

Tongue in or out? Out.

Setting a good example for youth? No.

Recommended action? Immediate termination.

Irony

Irony is so ironic.

Parody dammit!

Women of America, you have lost your way. But, take hope, I am here to show you the way!

At what point did you lose your love affair with the wonder of modern appliances -- the gas oven? What did the oven ever do to you? It's done plenty for you and your family, let me tell you.

A ladies and her oven should be the best of friends. It should be a lady's oven -- a LOVEN, if you will. If this is not the case, perhaps you just haven't cooked that meatloaf that you've had in mind. Maybe you feel that your oven has feelings for another lady. Take heart! This is not the case! Just broil a steak, it will cure everything!

On behalf of the BACK TO THE KITCHEN movement, I implore you, women, cook a potroast! Bake some bread!

Nothing says lovin' like something in your LOVEN!

What's wrong with the picture at right? Well, what woman has time to talk on the telephone when she's concocting creations in her kitchen?

An observation...

V-8 with hot sauce makes a damn fine breakfast.

Bringing the hammer down

SPOILER ALERT

If you plan on reading Marvel's Civil War series and haven't read #4 yet, you may not want to read any further.

I covered my feelings on the Civil War series a little while ago.

Well, I still feel the same way about the series as a whole. But there are some things that happen in comics, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it that are so amazingly cool, there are no words to properly describe their awesome.

Such is the case in Civil War #4. Their explanation is cheesy, the battle is getting more and more ridiculous, but they offer us this:



And I didn't even show the aftermath, 'cause I'm sure your head would explode from the hyperawesomeness.

I haven't seen it; tell me it's nice

One of the most anticipated new shows of the fall season, for me, was last night's Heroes. Well, I didn't watch it. I did record it though and hope to watch it tonight or tomorrow. Most likely tomorrow.

But, if any of you watched it, without giving anything away, what did you think?

Six Degress of Celebrity Smackdown

Today at Faster Than The World we are engaged in a riotous debate over who would win in a TV character throwdown: Captain Kirk or TJ Hooker. While the answer should be obvious (Kirk), much debate rages.

But as I thought about it, I decided to ask the true and deep question (playing a little Six Degrees of Heather Locklear here): Who would win in a throwdown -- The Fall Guy or TJ Hooker?

You tell me.

I have been tagged ...

Otherwise I'd have nothing to post about today.

It's the books meme I avoided before because no one tagged me specifically. But, Portnoy tagged me, so I will be agreeable.

1. One book that changed your life: STP 21-1-SMCT Skill Level 1 I probably could have answered the Bible, but I was raised on it, so it wouldn't really have "changed my life." I don't want to use any of my fiction authors for this question because some of them are already going to repeat. So, the Skill Level 1, Soldier's Manual of Common Tasks, issued in basic training and expected to be memorized by graduation. Profound change.

2. One book that you've read more than once. Since this is only one book, I'll say The Federalist Papers

3. One book that you'd want on a desert island. Portnoy had a great answer for this. I'd say 101 Things To Do On A Desert Island would be good -- if someone's written it. If not, I'd go with my Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy compendium.

4. One book that made you laugh. Oh, definitely the above answer. But recently I've been reading The Government Manual for New Superheroes and it's a riot.

5. One book that made you cry The 9-11 ComMission Report.

6. One book that you wish you had written. The book I haven't written yet.

7. One book you wish had never been written. Meh. I have no hate against thought. Plenty against practice. It'd be easy to say Mein Kampf or The Communist Manifesto ... but, really, it's people and their charisma that put this stuff into action. Not books.

8. One book that you are reading at the moment. The superhero book I mentioned earlier.

9. One book that you've been meaning to read. American Sphinx: The Character of Thomas Jefferson

10. Tag five others that you’d like to do this meme. Nope.

Because I'm All About the Guitar: Welcome to my new addiction

As my kids get a little older, I am getting more and more tempted to buy a game console. The XBox 360 is insanely expensive, so we were looking at many of the older consoles. I know that the PS 2 is about to be replaced, but they just came out with one of the coolest games ever -- Guitar Hero.

I almost bought the console just for that. But, a little internet research led me to find: Frets on Fire. It's a freeware game that is modeled after Guitar Hero.

So, my fingers have been busy pecking along to the songs. While Guitar Hero gives you a guitar-like add-on to strum, Frets on Fire uses the keboard. You press one of five keys for one of five strings and use the enter key for "plucking" the strings. It's more a game of timing, musical rhythm, and hand-to-eye coordination.

But it's about the guitar. So I'm hooked.

Go to the Frets on Fire site, download it, and try it out. It's too much damn fun.

New toy fun

It must be toy day in blog land today. We got some new toys in the office today. Two 10.5mm fisheye lenses.

So I took some time to go out and take some pictures I've been wanting to take for a while. I've been wanting to take some shots of the front of our headquarters building for some time. We use these kind of shots often for all kinds of publications and requests for such kind of shots.

Now, I go out for a story today and decide it's a great time to take these shots.

I get to the front of the building and there's a doggone van out there in front, so I couldn't get some of the shots I want. At least not that I'll use for reproduction somewhere.

But I was able to shoot some "proof of concept" photos. The flagpole shot was exactly what I wanted. Turned out exactly like I wanted. Damn van.

The next shot was better than I expected. I stepped on the other side of the van to get some idea what my field of vision would be. I was able to get far more in the picture than I thought. They claim 180 degrees. Not sure if it's quite there (shooting with a D1, the CMOS senor is smaller than a 35mm mirror and film), but it's doggone close.

Can't wait to do some more shooting. FTTW is having a photography "contest" and I think this has secured for me the idea I was thinking about.

According to my bank, I am a pedophile

My wife was conducting some business with our financial institution this morning. At one point, she had to confirm her birthdate. The process failed. She attempted several times, all with the same fruitless results.

So, she called them to find out what the problem was. They said, "To give you any information, we'll have to have you verify your birthdate."

My wife gives her birthdate and they say, "No, I'm sorry, we can't give give you any information."

She tells them that no, that is her birthday. So they ask, "What about the birthday of one of your children?"

She gives them our oldest daughter's birthday. They say, "That's the birthday we have on file for you, ma'am."

So. My credit union thinks my wife is seven years old. Go figure.

Favorite toys

Tracey has a great little meme going. One of the questions is, what toy were you most obsessed with? The meme focuses on ages 5 - 10.

My answer was the Evel Knievel stunt bike, but I after I read her blog post, I ran across the photo I posted here. I loved this freakin' thing growing up. It's part of the whole weeble-wooble people city thing, but this toy served so many purposes in my childhood. It was of great use for my Matchbox cars. Later, it served as urban terrain for G.I. Joes. Good stuff.

When I was young, in the 5 and younger range, I had this huge Cookie Monster puzzle. At the time, it was bigger than me. I grew out of it, but my parents kept it for my brother. They wound up pasting the puzzle to some fiber board. I think it's still around today.

So, what are yours? Make sure to visit Tracey and comment there.

Argh.

My fears have come to fruition.

Two of my co-workers have accepted positions elsewhere. Both are leaving in less than two months.

Getting this base to hire someone sucks. They are slow. And lazy.

I am already doing someone else's job on top of my own since our base photographer left several months ago. Somehow, I am going to have to find a way to absorb these other duties also.

The downside of government work is that you don't get compensated when you are given all this extra responsibility and work.

Sigh.

/Pity party.

It's a good day, but I don't own an AK

Dudes. It's 68 feakin' degrees out here this morning. Yesterday it was like 80 something by this time and we hit 90s again later (after the rain). Today is wonderful. I can't wait until this is the norm again.

And yesterday gas was $2.21 at my regular watering (well gassing, I guess) hole. Today it's $2.15. Nice.

Just thought I'd share.

Don't go in there!

Squishy, squirmy, icky and disgusting.

What horror movies have made you cringe?

Go to FTTW and let 'em know!

Lunch time

I have discovered that my new favorite steak sauce is a combination of A-1 and rooster sauce. They were made to go together.

For some good food advice, visit Baby Huey's Dishful of Metal at Faster Than The World.

My wild world of dreams

I don't remember a lot of the dreams I have. At best, most of the time, I only remember snippets. But sometimes, I get a lucid, memorable dream. And those are usually quite odd.

So last night was such a night with such a dream. I dreamt that I was part of a group of people learning about amusement parks. Like, how to operate them and how to build rides that are wild enough to be fun, but sedate enough for a youthful audience.

The guy showing us around, the big boss ... ? Willy Wonka. Gene Wilder Willy Wonka.

Couldn't have Scarlett Johansson or anything. No. I get Willy Freakin' Wonka.

I don't even like roller coasters.

Check it out

My new Because I'm All About the Guitar post is up at Faster Than The World. Make sure to check it out!.

Another taste of my Mondays

A while ago, I told you all about a chaplain whose submissions made my Mondays hell.

Please read the link if you're unfamiliar with the tale. I'll wait …

…

…

Well, he's back y'all. Check out these gems:

Our world does not abide poor planning and lacking resources. Our lives do not capitulate well, when needs are not met and wants cannot be assimilated. The same can be true in our spiritual lives. The same can be correspondingly important in our love life.

I can't make out if he's talking about love and spirituality or a Star Trek plot involving the Borg.

One of the more essential elements of those blessings is to experience the joy and pain of love. Love can find itself in any number of places in many different kinds of things. The love we may experience can be significant, it can be troubling at times and it can be sufficient enough to keep us coming back for more. Love is more than basic affection or sexual activity. Love can be more sentimentality and much more than superficial niceties both warm and fuzzy.

I am dumbfounded. I don't even know quite what to say about that. Except that maybe we should put a GPS on that love think since it keeps finding itself in so many different places.

Oh, this is profound:

The chronology of our life is an unfolding anthology.

It's like a Mad Lib for a profound statement.

The (insert noun) of our life is a/an (insert adjective) (insert noun).

Try it yourself. Make it as nonsensical as possible. It'll sound more deep. For example: The carburetor of our life is an unwritten leopard.

How cool is that?

Lastly, the good chaplain uses his best pillow talk to seduce his reading public:

I have experienced three plausible ways that love can grow. First, my thoughts toward you can be nutrients of our love. My mind is filled with pleasantness. Second, my feelings about you can be the fruit of the love that has come to fruition. Third and maybe the best, is my life with you. It all culminates in the everyday. We live and love together. Love is God, God is love and in our hearts, that’s a winning combination.

I didn't say it was a good seduction.

Have a good day.

Ghost town

Sorry posting has been so light here in HAPD-land. Real-life events have taken over a lot of my time lately.

This weekend my wife and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversay. Don't know how she put up with me that long, but she has. Add to that the normal lifestyle of having three kids and, viola, instant busy!

I don't know if their will be any substantive updates later today, I have a mess of a week ahead of me. But make sure to hit Faster Than the World today. Aside from the outstanding regular content, my weekly Because I'm All About the Guitar will be up this evening.

Here I Come to Save the Day

Dudes. I was the towel master.

A huge safety pin, my special towel, and a vivid imagination are the the most cherished things I had as a child.

My special towel was this near-lime green colored thing that was unremarkable except that at one end it had an extra flap of material about an inch-and-a-half long. This end was the top of the cape. It was like a folded down collar.

Slap that thing on and I was Superman. Or Dracula. Or my own variation. Running up hills, jumping off barrier walls, running around "flying," and doing whatever else my cape allowed me to do was how I spent a lot of my youth.

And I have scars to prove that I was a typical, unthinking boy. The handle of a screen door carved its initials in my face once when I tried to run through the door, thinking I was Superman. I believe I was four. Another time, I ran and jumped smack into a wall, knocking myself senseless. I was hoping to stick. Like Spiderman. Somehow, I avoided ever getting the cape caught and choking myself. The safety pin would have given way, probably, but I'm still surprised it never happened.

I had a buttload of kids in my house last night. My wife's best pal from this area is moving today. Her three kids and my three kids have been great friends. It's a pretty sad day. Last night, the kids were over so they could play one last time and the adults could be free to do some packing, etc. Another friend, dropped off her three kids for a bit. It was crazy.

I tried to get some things done before I had to go to class, and all the noise and distractions were frustrating. But as I watched them play and jump and dance to music, I wish I had my cape.

These days all I have are towels.

In the doghouse

a>Wow. I admit, I like this show, but I can't help feel the force of the irony in this story. I hope this works out well for him and his family. But, there's something to be said for obeying the law. Not just ours, but of the country you're in.

Updating my roll

If you take a look at my sidebar, you'll notice a couple of new entries. Reel Hollywood is a site by a guy in the movie biz, but he blogs a lot about guitar stuff. So it's cool. Reel Fanatic is a site by another Georgia guy. It's centered on film and TV. Very neat stuff, and not only do we share a state, but we also appear to have very similar jobs.

Go check 'em out.

You should be ashamed of yourself

Okay. We've all written or responded to blog posts that have posed the ol' guilty pleasure question. That is, what movie/song/TV show do you like that you are ashamed to admit?

Well, I'd like to put a spin on that. What movie do you think current stars should be ashamed of having appeared in? There are easy examples: Ben Assfleck in just about anything he's ever done (outside of Kevin Smith movies), Susan Sarandon in Rocky Horror Picture Show (not that I personally think RHPS is bad, I love it, but Ms. Sarandon has long been embarassed by her role in it). I'd like some new material, or things we might not have thought about before.

My entry is Brad Pitt in Johnny Suede. Not only is the hair a thing of wonder, but the movie itself is just plain bad. Embarassingly funny bad.

What're yours?

My, how animated

Technology Business Blog has a post up rating the top 10 animation movies. It's a pretty weak list, honestly.

I'm sure we can do better:

Akira. Spirited Away.

So many more.

We're on a mission to destroy

It all began as a way for two old-school punk rock fans to talk about their passions. It has grown into something much larger than the sum of its parts.

Debuting today is Faster Than The World's new online magazine format. Over 20 writers, of which I am one, will post new content weekly on a variety of subjects. From music, to guitars, to movies, to sex, to life on this planet: the new FTTW offers something for everyone.

Make sure to stop by and see FTTW in all its glory.

2,996 Project: Remembering Benito Valentin

I never met Benito Valentin, but I have a feeling that it would have been memorable if I had.

He was a father and a husband and was dearly loved by many. One of the most memorable things about Benito was a funny routine he did singing along with a remix of Rapper's Delight.

His wife wrote: To my darling husband, whom I miss dearly, you will always be unforgettable. Your in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Your spirit will live thru us always and forever, 'til the end of time.

And his son wrote: Hey daddy its me jay jay. i really miss you daddy.every time i see a picture of you or hear the rappers delight song i think of all the times you made me, danyelle and alyssa laugh.guess what we got a dog her name is baibee,you would like even if poops all over the place.mommy is doing fine so is danyelle,me and alyssa.but we all miss you,and never forget you because you were the best daddy anybody acn evr have.WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!

Please. Never forget.

Other 2,996 bloggers:

Lisa remembers.

Ken remembers.

Sheila remembers.

Visit the 2,996 Project.

Because I'm All About the Guitar: Is moving

This will be my last regular Friday BIAAtG post here. My column will be posted weekly, Monday nights at Faster Than The World. Since my column here will be either a cross or supplemental post of what I'm doing at FTTW, the posts here are moving to Monday evening also (or Tuesday morning, depending on how late it is they get the post up).

So, as this is my last Friday BIAAtG, I pose this doozy of a question to you: Where would American music be without the guitar?

It's the one instrument that drove our music to be different. Although it took jazz years to use the guitar as a primary instrument, blue was developing at the same time as jazz using the guitar as the only instrument.

The guitar was very influential in early Country and Western (hillbilly) music. Not really as an instrument to set melody, but as a rythmic instrument. There weren't any drums in the early C&W and the guitarists developed a strum-knock way of playing that was both rythmic and percussive.

Of course, the guitar truly came into its own with rock and roll. Would we even have rock and roll without the guitar? I think not.

So, compose your thoughts. Where do you think we'd be without the guitar? It's surely a place I wouldn't want to be.

Um ... yeah.

Hey law enforcement, government entities and legal office workers who visit here: Did any of you get the most bizarre fax this morning?

It started off: Dear World Citizens, Canadians, Americans:

And quickly went downhill from there. Apparently, the senders of this message believe that somebody is "mentally sick" and "in human." I don't know who exactly. Let me print an excerpt and maybe you can understand it:

We need to realize, our Police forces to all our nations, have shown us they are so baffled, in shock to the knowledge of all above, with church leaders, union leaders, each Rabbi to our world, Muslim, Islamic, Sheik church leaders and everyone trying ot convince our world, that which Calgary Alberta, and Alberta lawyers and Judges have proven to our citizens, since the year 1980 - they are truly mentally sick and in human.

Does anyone have a clue what that means?

This fax was four pages! The last page contains this plea:

Students, Canadians, World Citizens,

Email the following into American military bases through-out our world, then email into Police departments through-out our world and United States of America quoting us:

Be advised a large group of American military wives and children are being held hostage underneath our two (2) Canadian (unreadable word) Drumheller and Calgary, Alberta, Canada. The American military wives and children are family members to our American military officers that were locked into our underground military command headquarters below our Pentagon on (unreadable month) 22nd, 1995 in Washington D.C.!! (Yes, document can be faxed into our military bases!!)

Um, WTF Chuck?

Military bases do get the weirdest faxes sometimes.

Tossin' it

My caption is cast, howsabout you?

Come on ...

Green Bay. Chicago Bears. Green bears. Football season starts tonight. It must be the end of days.

Mulling it all over

I really want to thank everyone for their homebuying advice yesterday. I'm definitely going to follow the bit about getting our own inspector. I am also going to visit the neighborhoods we're looking at during different times of the day. We were already planning on visiting the other schools in the area to get a feel for what they're like.

It's such a huge decision, you know. One of the biggest you will ever make. And if you have any indecision in your nature, the process will eat at you. That's why I was after advice -- to help make the process a little easier.

And I'm buying the TV.

Getting good advice ...

So, guess what? I'm going to ask for more.

A coworker is moving to Japan. She's reducing her household goods and has a Sony bigscreen TV she's willing to sell me for $550. It's a 60" model. It's a couple of years old. It's an CRT RPTV, hence the price. It's been very well taken care of.

I'm trying to decide: 1.) Is this a good price? I've looked on E-bay and such and it seems to be. Anyone out there an A/V geek? I used to be but I haven't had my head in the mags in a long time and just don't know. 2.) I have a year-old son who probably won't be able to keep his hands off the screen. How bad is this going to be? How well can I clean the screen without worry?

Interweb Powers Activate! Form of, good advice!

Thanks again.

Okay homeowners and those who have purchased homes before...

Share your wealth of knowledge. I'm looking at buying a home in about six months or so. What advice would you give me, a first-time home buyer?

If you have any horror stories that could help, please share. If you have any good experiences, please share. I'm trying to look at every side of this before I commit to something.

Thank you!

On the list of printers not to buy ...

Put the Xerox Phaser 6250 at the top.

That is all.

More guilty pleasures

My name is Cullen ...

And I ...

... Am a ...

WWE fan.

Last night WWE RAW was in town here for a house show. Normally, I probably wouldn't have gone, though I do admit I was tempted to buy my own tickets. We had been running pre-show advertising in our paper and I was offered reviewer tickets by the director of our local event hall.

Then, as luck would have it, Headquarters Marine Corps Public Affairs calls down and says: "Hey, if I got you guys like 20 free tickets, do you think you could get Marines to fill those seats?" This was on Monday, Aug. 28. The show was last night, Sept. 3. We didn't have a lot of wiggle room. But we said, "Sure."

Things didn't actually materialize until Thursday and even then there were more changes on Friday. Suffice to say, we all got to go.

And, as you can see here, we got to go backstage and meet some WWE stars.

See, John Cena, former WWE champion has a new movie coming out next month: The Marine. While the Marine Corps didn't assist the film makers originally, after viewing the movie, they thought it was a pretty good thing and decided that mebbe a little PR wouldn't be a bad thing.

So, we got free tix, got to meet some dudes backstage, I got to roam all around the floor taking pictures. It was a blast. This is the first time I've ever been to a WWE show and the last time I'd ever been to any wrestling show was about 12 years ago.

Fun fun.

List your guilty pleasures, if you haven't before. Or list them again. It's therapeutic.

Because I'm All About the Guitar: Whiplash

My first BIAAtG post is up at Faster Than The World. In it I talk about, appropriately, fast music.

So I decided to post a video that has something to do with the post over there.



Make sure the head over.

An Un-Civil War: Marvel's Half-Ass Indictment of the War on Terror Pt. 3

Uncharacteristically yours

I read a lot about the Civil War series before I decided to pick 'em up and read them for myself. The biggest news was that Spiderman unmasked himself as Peter Parker on live TV and that Captain America was leading the anti-registration forces.

Dude. What has happened to character motivation in the Marvel universe since I've been away? And, this question is not just rhetorical, when the fuck did Peter David start trying to write like Alan Moore? It's not much fun, Peter; please start writing coherently again.

Characterization is important. We expect Peter Parker to fight the good fight, making smart ass comments all the while. We expect Captain America to stand up for America. So when Spiderman unmasked and Captain America jumped ship, I was immediately skeptical. Spiderman long being a proponent of privacy and Capt. A always fighting for America.

I guess I can kind of understand Spiderman. Apparently, he's been working with Tony Stark (Iron Man) and has had a lot of things happen to him recently that precipitated this decision. Still, I was shocked that he would make his alignment so publicly known. Seems like half the Spiderman books I grew up with involved him whining about how dangerous it would be for his family if anyone found out he was Spiderman.

Those Marvel guys are out to make some bucks off this series though. This was a big way to help accomplish that feat.

Captain America's supporting the anti-registration is a bigger shock to me. In my last installment, I talked about how corrupt and evil the U.S. government is supposed to be in the Marvel universe. But the ol' Cap has stood by them all along. They have left him hanging, several times, but he always comes back. He knows what they're all about, but damn it, he was working for SHEILD (a government, super-soldier organization). But when told he'd have to enforce the Superhero Registration Act you'd think he was a 17-year-old emo kid. "You can't make me support your cause! I'm gonna listen to Weezer and I'll cut myself! Then you'll see! Not that you care. God there's too much color on my uniform." I just don't get it. He stomped Nazi's in WWII and they had Japanese internment camps. You never hear him complain about that crap.

But, you see, Captain American is the "symbol of all that is good and right" in the Marvel universe. He fits that archetype and regardless of whether or not his actions don't seem logical given what his character is supposed to be like, if the writers have him do something, then the fans are supposed to immediately align with him. 'Cause Cap' can't be wrong … can he?

While there are a lot of mischaracterization issues in Civil War, most are due to the fact that there are a lot of characters, a lot of story and little space to do it all in. So character depth gets replaced with expediency for the sake of plot development. However, one character I probably have had the hardest time with in this series has been Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic. Yes, they portray him as the aloof scientist, but he's always been more than that. When he and Sue Storm married and had a son, he was always a good dad. He was always worried about them regardless of what he was doing. But this series is portraying him as not having any thoughts about them at all. Early in the series, Fantastic Four's Johnny Storm (The Human Torch) gets Hector Stomped by a crowd. He winds up in the hospital, in a coma, for weeks. And every time we see Richards, he's just so aloof, like he doesn't have a care in the world about Johnny.

That really bothers me because Richards has never been portrayed this emotionless before. And he shouldn't be. I'm no big fan of the FF, but I don't like folks fucking around with canon.

It seems to me that by messing around with characterization and bringing the Marvel universe to a head, the writers have been able to pull off a little criticism of the current administration within the confines of a well-selling series of comic books. They probably feel very good about it.

Personally, I'm kind of fond of the upheaval. Every time I pick up a Marvel book these days, there just seems to be too much going on. Hopefully this will streamline the universe a bit. Even if it's not in a way I would have liked.

But, in the end, there is only one thing that really matters in Marvel Comics – is Thor going to smash heads? Oh yes, brother, oh effin' yes.